Tools to get better at giving and receiving love
These two frameworks will help all your relationships from now on
What makes a successful romantic relationship?
Well, if you truly have the answer to that question, stop reading this newsletter, go start a dating agency and get ready to make millions.
In this newsletter, I will definitely not give you a recipe to live happily ever after with your current date, girlfriend/boyfriend or wife/husband.
However, I will share two concepts that have significantly helped me:
better understand relationship dynamics
be in a better position to give and receive love
avoid unnecessary arguments and drama
What you will get from the newsletter if you read until the end:
you’ll better understand your specific needs (as well as your partner’s). It then becomes easier to express them or satisfy your partner’s
you’ll gain insights into your own patterns of behaviour, thoughts, and emotional responses in relationships
you’ll better understand recurring causes of conflict in your relationships
you might discover you need to do additional personal development to be able to enjoy healthier relationships
Cheers,
Auguste
Five Love Languages: do you show love the way your partner want and vice-versa?
Ever felt like some of your acts of love aren’t really touching the heart of you significant other?
Maybe you like to show love with gifts but feel frustrated they never have the effect you would like on your partner.
Or maybe you need your partner to hug you more or spend more quality time with you but are afraid of asking for it because you do not want to seem too needy.
Misunderstandings and emotional disconnect can often arise because we express and interpret love in different ways.
That's where the "Five Love Languages" come in – a framework developed by Dr. Gary Chapman that helps you understand how people give and receive love.
The love languages
1. Words of Affirmation
This love language is all about expressing affection through verbal communication. People who resonate with this language feel loved and appreciated when they receive compliments, encouragement, praise, and kind words. These words hold immense significance to them, boosting their self-esteem and emotional well-being. A simple "I love you," a heartfelt compliment, or words of affirmation during challenging times can deeply impact and strengthen their emotional connection.
2. Acts of Service
For individuals with this love language, actions speak louder than words. Acts of Service involve doing things for your loved one that you know they would appreciate. It's about taking the initiative to help with tasks or responsibilities that make their life easier. This could include cooking a meal, running errands, cleaning the house, or assisting them in any way possible. These actions demonstrate care and consideration, showing that their well-being and comfort are a priority.
3. Receiving Gifts
The love language of receiving gifts isn't just about materialism; it's about the thought and sentiment behind the gift. Individuals who value this language feel loved when they receive thoughtful presents. These gifts symbolise that the giver was thinking of them, even when they weren't physically together. It's not about the price tag, but the intention and effort put into selecting something meaningful. The act of giving a gift is an expression of love and care.
4. Quality Time
Quality Time emphasises the importance of giving undivided attention to your loved one. People who appreciate this love language value spending meaningful, focused time together. Engaging in activities, conversations, and shared experiences without distractions allows for a deep emotional connection to develop. It's about creating memories, engaging in heart-to-heart conversations, and genuinely enjoying each other's company. Giving your time and presence communicates that you prioritise their companionship.
5. Physical Touch
Physical Touch is about expressing affection through physical gestures. These gestures can range from holding hands, hugging, cuddling, and kissing to other forms of physical intimacy. People who resonate with this love language feel most loved and secure when they receive physical contact from their loved ones. These gestures provide them with a tangible sense of connection, comfort, and emotional closeness.
The test
While reading the previous section, you probably identified the love languages that resonate the most with you. But if you want a more precise assessment, you can simply take a few minutes to do the test:
==> https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language
At the end of the test, you’ll get your results just like in the screenshot below:
If you are in a relationship, I highly recommend the two of you do the test. It can serve as a powerful tool to communicate each other’s needs, solve potential issues or reinforce what is already working.
If both of you have the exact same needs, less effort will be required. But if your partner’s favorite love language is “Words of Affirmation” and you never give compliments and barely say “I love you” because it matters less for you, you’ll know clearly what you should work on moving forward.
Attachment styles: how patterns of attachment developed in early childhood impact your relationship
Have you ever wondered why relationships can be both incredibly rewarding and surprisingly challenging? Emotional struggles, communication hiccups, and patterns of behaviour can often leave us feeling puzzled.
It's frustrating when you can't seem to break free from toxic patterns (misunderstandings, conflict, or emotional distance), even if you're trying your best to connect and communicate.
A few years ago, a date introduced me to the concept of "Attachment Theory"– a psychological framework that helps you understand how you bond with others and why you respond the way you do in relationships.
The 4 attachment styles
Basically, we all fall into one of the 4 attachment styles described below.
1. Anxious Attachment
If you have an anxious attachment style, you crave emotional closeness and intimacy in your relationships. Previous partners might have you called you “clingy” or “needy”. You tend to worry about the stability and security of your connections. That’s why you are seeking constant reassurance and validation from your partner. Basically, you are afraid of being abandoned.
You may be prone to overthinking and imagining scenarios where you partner end up leaving the relationship, which can create a lot of emotional chaos.
2. Avoidant Attachment
With an avoidant attachment style, you are typically perceived as being “aloof” or “cold”. You have a strong desire for independence and self-sufficiency. Most likely, you have a hard time opening up emotionally and you don’t like the idea of depending on others. You tend to downplay the extent of your love. For instance, saying “I love you” doesn’t come naturally to you, and it even makes you uncomfortable. Discussing emotions and expressing your needs is really hard for you and you often end-up in situations where you establish emotional distance from your partner to protect yourself from potential hurt.
3. Secure Attachment
Securely attached individuals strike a balance between intimacy and independence. If you fall into that category, you feel comfortable giving and receiving affection and have confidence in the stability of your relationship. You are able to communicate openly about your feelings, needs, and concerns, and you trust your partner to be responsive. You know how to handle conflicts in a healthy manner and maintain emotional equilibrium, fostering a sense of safety and mutual respect in your relationships.
4. Disorganised Attachment
The disorganised attachment style is marked by conflicting behaviours and emotions. Individuals with this style may have experienced inconsistent caregiving or traumatic events in childhood, leading to confusion about how to approach relationships. Disorganised attachers can exhibit a mix of anxious and avoidant behaviours, resulting in a lack of clear patterns in their interactions. They might struggle with managing emotions and have difficulty forming stable relationships due to unresolved internal conflicts.
The test
Again, you might already have a rough idea of which attachment style describes you the most. But if you are not sure, here is the 5 minutes test that will help you figure it out:
==> https://quiz.attachmentproject.com/
Understanding your attachment style and recognising the attachment styles of those around you can offer valuable insights. Just keep in mind that attachment styles can change over time with self-awareness, personal growth, and healthy relationship experiences.
Some stats
If you did the test, and the outcome was not “secure”, congratulations, you are not a weirdo. Only 50% of us are secure. Then 20% are anxious, 25% are avoidant and 5% are disorganised.
With enough personal development or even therapy, you can undo the mechanisms that are currently holding you back and preventing you from having a healthy relationship. The first step is to make an assessment which is exactly what you just did.
Quote of the week
Follow your heart but take your brain with you.
Great newsletter! I did the love language test today, very useful!